First for Everything

This post has been sitting in my drafts for a long time and I finally worked up the nerve to publish it. So here you go!

I knew that my first year of college would be unforgettable.

Here I am, living in the freshman dorms of campus. Two weeks into the semester and I don’t know a single person. Being the shy girl I am, I find it extremely difficult to put myself out there and to meet new people.

To keep myself busy (after finishing all my school work of course!), I use an app called Yik Yak. This is an anonymous posting app for college students. It is based on your location, so you can only see posts from people in your area. It is extremely entertaining and hilarious at times. One day, I decided to post on the app to look for some new people to text. I was texting a couple of people for a while but eventually, we all got bored with each other. However, there was one person who continued to talk to me. Let’s just say her name is “Jamie”. From the beginning it seemed like we knew each other our whole lives. We had many deep conversations and it was so easy to talk to her. I knew we would be great friends. About 3 weeks later, I was drinking with some friends that I had made on my floor. I was texting Jamie at the time and we found out that she lives only 2 floor below me! So I told the girls that I was with and they insisted that we go and meet her. All 3 of us walked to Jamie’s room to meet her and her friend. It was a really fun night and it was not awkward at all, like I had expected it would be.

Over the next few weeks, I had drifted from my previous friend group and Jamie and I became best friends. When we weren’t in class, we were with each other. I had never developed such a close relationship in such a short amount of time before. What I loved most about our friendship was that there was never any drama. We had thoughtful conversations all the time and we are both very opinionated but we never fought over anything.

About 3 months after becoming friends, Jamie and I went to a party at a friend’s house. It was a very calm party but there was drinking involved and there were a lot of people there. When the party was starting to die out, the remaining guests all started to watch a funny movie and Jamie and I cuddled up on the couch with a blanket to join. About halfway through the movie, Jamie grabbed my hand under the blanket and she continued to hold it for the remainder of the movie. I didn’t think anything of it because we were both pretty drunk and I just figured it was something that she did with her friends. Later that night, after another round of drinking, I came out of the bathroom and she pulled me into a room around the corner. She started to kiss me. I had never thought that I could be into girls but everything about it felt so right, so I kissed her back. After a bit, we pulled away and both of us just stood there smiling like idiots. Not a word was spoken before she hugged me and pulled me back into the living room where the rest of the people were. The party ended early the next morning and we all went home to recover from the night.

That night, I woke up from a long nap to many texts from Jamie. She told me that she has liked me since the moment we met and she wanted to know if I felt the same. It was obvious that she was still drunk when she sent them and I had no clue how to respond, so I went back to sleep.

After waking up the next morning, I sent Jamie a long text explaining to her how I felt. To sum it up, this is basically what I told her: I never felt that way about her until the moment we kissed. She was just my friend. I have never thought that I could be gay and this was just extremely confusing for me. All I knew is that I enjoyed kissing her and now I can’t stop thinking about her.

She replied: “Okay good. Let’s just see where this takes us.”

We went to our classes for the day, and like always, we hung out afterwards. Nothing changed at all. We did our homework, talked about our day, and then sat around and laughed as we saw things on our phones. Later that night, we turned on a movie and cuddled in the blankets like usual. That’s when she grabbed my hand again and everything suddenly felt more intimate. My cheeks immediately became warm and my heart began to flutter. That’s the best way I know how to explain it, I have never felt this way before. We finished the movie and kissed, then I left to go to my room. That was it, the only thing that changed was the holding of hands and the goodnight kiss. It was perfect.

It continued to be this way for a couple of weeks and I definitely grew to be very attached to her, but something just felt off. We hadn’t talked about what we were or anything and she still talked to her ex-boyfriend so I knew that she probably wasn’t looking to be in a relationship or anything. I was becoming frustrated because I really liked her and she continued to talk to other people, guys. We started to fight and then she told me that she didn’t think she liked me anymore. After not talking for two days, she came to my room and apologized, but we agreed that we were just going to be friends. I thought I was okay with that.

One night, we went to another party at a cabin. It was small and mostly guys were there. We sat around, drank, and played games basically. Me, Jamie, and 2 guys all sat on the couch. Both of the guys were definitely into Jamie and she started talking about “bro-zoning” people. They asked if they were “bro-zoned” and she replied, “I don’t know yet, but Bridget sure isn’t.” And she kissed me in front of all of them. I whispered to her, “I thought you didn’t want..” and she cut me off by kissing me again. Everyone was surprised. For the rest of the party, we cuddled openly. She got really drunk but I was the DD. I agreed to drive her and the two guys home. Horrible mistake. Jamie and one guy sat in the back, while me and the other guy were in the front. About halfway home, I look in the rearview mirror and see them making out in the backseat. I was furious.

I dropped the guys off and Jamie moved to the front seat. We sat in silence until we pulled into the dorm parking lot. I was about the get out of the car and she pulled my arm and asked me to stay for a second. She immediately started to cry and apologize. I just sat there waiting for her to finish. She asked why I wasn’t saying anything and I just told her that she can do whatever she wants and that I’m fine. I left and went straight to my room.

I tried not to care, but honestly I cried for hours that night. My heart felt like it was broken, which made me feel even more pathetic for falling for someone in such a short amount of time.

The next morning, my sadness grew into anger. I felt used, manipulated. It felt like she was putting on a show for the guys when she was making out with me in front of them. I felt so stupid for not seeing that. I know she was drunk, but drunk actions are sober thoughts, right?

She texted me again that night apologizing. I told her it was fine but that I wanted answers. I eventually got the truth out of her and she said that she just doesn’t feel that way about me anymore and that last night was a show for the guys. I was so angry but all I said was “Ok. That’s all you needed to say.” We agreed to be friends again but we didn’t speak to each other for another 10 days. I basically locked myself into my room and of course, she was my only friend so I had no one to talk to.

Slowly, we started to talk to each other again and she is a part of my life, but I don’t consider her a good friend anymore. I met other people and made some really great friends. We still hangout, but something about her just brings out the negativity in me and I know that it just won’t be the same anymore. I got a lot of ‘firsts’ out of this experience though. She was the first girl I have ever liked. She was also the first person that I thought I loved. I know I was just infatuated, but she did break my heart. I don’t think she’s a horrible person and I know she didn’t try to hurt me. I still love her as a friend and I am thankful for her because I now know that I am a gay woman. I tried being with guys again and nothing felt right. I am still struggling with admitting it and who knows how long it’ll take me to admit this to my friends and family, but this post is the first step. Thank you for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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